What would you choose, if you knew the Earth had your back?
Several years ago, I went on a hiking trip on Vancouver Island. It was one of those life changing trips people tell you about. The choices I made there changed the course of mine.
The journey sprung from my wish to get clarity on a choice I was about to make: Dissolving my marriage, and along with it, life as I knew it.
I was unhappy, stressed, to the point of being physically ill. I had exhausted the possibilities for change within the relationship. It was time to move forward and create something different by myself. But I still had moments of fear and confusion, seeping in like a thick fog: “Can I really choose this? Am I going to make it?”
There weren’t many people I could talk to about what was happening. Things looked perfect to outsiders. “You already have the dream life, what else are you asking for?” I got why they would say that. If things had actually been what they assumed, it would have been a different story. Isolation had added to the ongoing fog and self doubt. I wanted to be 100% clear before setting change in motion.
“Let’s just go there and see what happens.”
To trust for sure what was true for me, I would have to lower down my barriers and be vulnerable with myself. Nature could help me with that. It was blackberry season. I asked my close friend Jen to go on a hiking trip with me.
We got on the ferry and set out for a four-day hike in Cowichan Valley. I didn’t know how the answers would show up, but I was confident I would get them. “Let’s just go there and see what happens.”
We got off the ferry in Nanaimo, stopped for lunch in the small town of Duncan. Sweet things happen when I quit controlling the outcome and allow beauty of living to permeate me. As I relaxed on the sun-dappled patio, eating fries, the fog was already dissipating. I had a spark, my choices became clear as day: I WAS ready to leave behind the old life and set me free. Suddenly, the self-doubt I had lived with for years appeared irrelevant.
I knew something more generative, joyful, something so much closer to my heart was calling me. “Oh, this energy!” I exclaimed. The same one that had sparked my willingness to move forward by myself in the first place.
It had first arrived months ago, unexpectedly, as I began doing more of the things that made me feel alive. Like dancing for the fun of it, painting without a goal in mind, and spending hours observing the ocean, saying hi to the trees. The joy of living I received from these activities had aroused my curiosity: “Why don’t I have more of this energy in my life? Why is there such a huge contrast between this and the rest of my life? What would it take?”
So I began to investigate my inner and outer landscape, observe my choices and what they had been creating as my life. I was curious to see if I could make more room for me within the structures I was operating in. When it finally dawned on me this may not be possible, I decided to go on a mini “pilgrimage” to discover what was true for ME. And awareness came before setting foot in the forest: “I’ll be alright, if I keep following what I know in my bones.”
The mind, of course, wasn’t onboard yet: “Where is this confidence of yours coming from? What are you following? Think of all the people you’ll disappoint in the process.”
Guilt was making its usual appearance, and I feared:
“Oh no. Will I give into this again?”
At that moment, a little bird landed on our table and my heart giggled with joy. “This! These are the moments I live for!”
A soft sigh… Truly, I was done with the ongoing drama, trauma, the struggle to qualify my existence, prove my worth.
Instead, I wanted to live with serenity, softness, for the joy of being that was more natural to me. Strangely, I had more ease being this way by myself. There was more space in my body, in my being.
Curiosity began to dissolve guilt and confusion.
“What will my life BE like, if I move forward with my choices? Will I be happy?”
If I could trust myself and my choices, not knowing all the steps couldn’t stop me, nor could other people’s judgments. From that space of surrender and curiosity, I asked a question:
“Universe, Earth, trees, animals, nature spirits show me please, what will my life be like, if I choose to let go of the past?”
As I asked these questions, we were surrounded by a soothing, restful energy. It flowed through our bodies and expanded into space…
My friend could sense it, too: “What is this energy? How do we get more of it?”
“Let’s start our hike.”
As we approached the trail, a new space of being was unfurling from within me, like fiddleheads in spring:
“This is so yummy!” I said to myself. “What will it take to have more of it?”
Inspiration arrived out of thin air:
“What if I treated this hike as a playground to show me what else is possible beyond the old ways of being? Like a simulation of how things would be, if I chose what I chose?”
My body relaxed with curiosity:
“Hey Earth, hey body, hey universe, show me what is true for me, please. Show me how to move forward, when I don’t know the next steps.”
And so began a delightful journey in the woods, hanging out with trees, swimming in emerald rivers, eating berries, watching eagles, receiving kindness from total strangers. THIS was more like me.
There was something about relaxing, enjoying, being in the flow of soothing energy. This life force moved me and everything around me, including the branches of that tree over there, and that waterfall, and the little squirrel picking berries… “Ooo my body’s coming alive, I’m inspired!”
The trail was teaching me to let go of fear and the need to know an entire journey at once: “Just take the next step, then the next, and the next, and the one after that… Enjoy every single breath, sensation, enjoy the gifts.”
Joyful epiphanies
In the months leading up to this trip, my body had been sick and depleted and was doing something really strange: I was in a continuous state of pain and suffering for the most part. Then, whenever I did something that lit me up, my body would come alive without any pain or limitations. I could dance freely for hours, or walk the entire shoreline by myself in low tide. But for the rest of the time, especially when I had to show up for my daily commitments and responsibilities, my body crumbled with pain and inflammation. This was quite puzzling to me at the time, and annoying to those around me. Except, I wasn’t making any of it up.
Months later, I got further clarity, as I enjoyed walking 25km a day and did all the fun things with ease: I was coming alive, when I followed what made my body and me happy. And I required a new awareness of what those things were.
“So what if that could be my life?”
The expansiveness, lightness of this journey was a huge contrast to the life I was ready to uncreate. As we walked the next 60km, I began to wonder, what would it be like, if this very energy expanded and became my life in the years to come? How much fun would that be? What else could I be choosing to make that happen?
On the third day, I came across a cute wooden bridge with an energy that matched my curiosity. There, I made a request.
“Earth, universe, what will it take to have more of this?”
Quite literally, I could choose to live in the forest for a while, that could be healing. I could also play with the forest and this journey as metaphors.
A new idea was emerging:
“What if I followed and chose the things that have this energy, without worrying about what they may look like? Say, if my life were a healthy, abundant forest?”
A whole new universe began to open up.
Standing by the bridge, with a raven circling above.
On that trip, I began to trust the ease and beauty of following what is true for me and had a confirmation that changed my life forever: “I am not wrong for choosing me. What is true for me feels lighter. I am going to follow that.”
Standing by the bridge, with a raven circling above, I finally trusted what I knew in my bones: Now was the space to choose me and follow what I knew, no matter what.
Except, in that exact moment, my mind got on a horse and started riding in all directions at once, chasing after me.
Mind: “Take that step, and you’ll watch your life fall apart.”
Me: “That life’s no longer working for me.”
Mind: “You will upset people and lose everything you built.”
Me: “But I’m NOT choosing against anyone. I am choosing for me.”
Mind: “You are irresponsible. Something is wrong with you, it has been all along. Now go on, choose what you choose and you will make a fool of yourself.”
Fool of myself? Well, this was strange. I didn’t mind making a fool of myself. I wondered if these familiar recordings were even mine.
In that moment, the stellar jays began yelling at the top of their lungs. I looked around and took in all the beauty. Then I looked inside my inner landscape and that too was covered with serenity. I giggled: “Yeah, mind, good try. I am moving forward. The Earth has my back. So do I.”
Moving Forward
It had taken me years to get to this point: Being willing to leave life as I knew it behind, along with my need for people’s approval, if that’s what it was going to take.
And to my surprise, it wasn’t that big of a deal anymore. Just like taking a breath and letting it go… If I had chosen a life of drama and struggle in the past, I could choose to create something different now.
What was on the other side was pulling me softly, inviting me into a different space of possibility: living with ease, joy and calm, having more of me, with the Earth by my side.
I wasn’t too concerned about what things would look like anymore or whom I would disappoint in the process. Instead, I tapped into the joy, the ease, the peace…
“Mmmmm…. Could I have more of this please? What would that be like?”
Then I took a step forward and crossed the bridge that day. I did not look back.
What about you? What would you choose, if you knew the Earth had your back?
